I actually woke up earlier today! Like 10:30 am vs. 1 pm like yesterday.
For the past week I hadn't really been able to get to sleep before 2 am, and now it's worse. I DO wake up at a relatively decent hour like 7 or 8 am, but I've been dreaming alot so I float back to sleep.
Dreaming about work? Yeah, I've been dreaming about that.
Usually when I dream, that means there are things TOTALLY unresolved within me. No shit, Sherlock.
This dream last night involved my ex-boss as a school teacher, and I was in class. That day we'd be learning to ride Honda 70's. Another teacher was coming in to teach us this.
???
Hey, I TOLD you it was a dream, and a dream does DEFINITELY include some sort of motorcycle!
I was rushing around in the classroom trying to make myself useful to everyone. There were tests on the table but I didn't grab one because I knew the material backwards and forwards and could just whip that test out quickly. I remember the motorcycle teacher for the day coming in and asking about the ridership survey program and how he wanted some information sent to him, a couple of school VP's in the school office, and the school officer.
My bud Cindy from work came in and told me she'd take care of it. I thought, ok, whatever. Didn't occur to me at the time that she was going to do it because I wouldn't be able to, I wouldn't BE there to take care of it.
The Special Ed teacher came in and asked my ex-boss if he had any 'higher functioning students' who could go into her classroom.
I didn't know this at the time, but he'd just been given 4 more students for his class, and had to either drown in students or get rid of some. I was one of the 'get rid of some'.
I heard them, volunteered, and my boss looked at me and told me that I was being cut from not just his class but the school program-the whole school program, in fact.
I pleaded with him and the Special Ed teacher (her name was Maria), they considered it, then said they'd look at my file and get back to me.
I walked out with her and told her that I was also a DOR client, so that meant I was 'funded' for her Special Ed class. She seemed a lot more interested then.
I walked back in to put my name on the signup sheet for that day's class (Honda 70's, right?) and to get the information and the test. I couldn't find the sheet or the tests. It looked like a couple of the guys were using the sign in sheet, so I walked over to them and told them that I PROMISED I wouldn't pop any wheelies with the bike. (It seems weird calling THAT piece of motorized equipment a 'bike' but calling it a roller skate is grossly unfair...to roller skates)
They kind of ignored me and kept using the sign in sheet.
So it ended. Have fun picking this apart for meaning. It's obvious to me, what it means.
I came out of the bedroom to take pills and have a cup of coffee, Bub said, "Want to go out to breakfast at Denny's?" I said sure, let me take my pills and vitamins, then remembered I hadn't called our work Staff Clinician. (see what I mean? 'Our' work? as if I'm STILL associated with it?)
I came into our computer room and called him, it went to VM so I left a msg.
For some reason, it was right then I started getting teary-eyed. I hadn't gotten teary-eyed since 8:15 am Friday morning when my boss told me that my position was being eliminated.
How do I describe it? It's when you really get emotional about the person and people, not the situation. It's an emotional, people-generated type of teary-eyed vs. a situational or self-pitying type of teary-eyed.
Sometime later I'll write about the different types of crying; this will be from Lynne, speaking ex cathedra from her belly button. Or nose.
I just now realized that this event, this being 'cut loose, RIF, position eliminated, g'bye Lynne', is very close to when people experience an accident, a death in the family, any type of traumatic experience.
Wouldn't you say that being oh-so-nicely FIRED, whatever you call it nicely, it's still FIRED, from a position you'd held for 10 years be 'traumatic'? I sure would, now that I've realized it!
So for people to ask you, ''How are you doing?" is really preemptive and you can't truly answer until some time has passed. I did a knee-jerk reaction and said I was doing fine because at that particular nanosecond, I WAS. I should've told them to get back to me in a week when the adrenalin was gone and harsh reality kicked in. Hmm, must get my EMT book and study this.
Yeah, you could definitely call this a traumatic event, and the reactions to a traumatic event can range from the adrenalin high, adrenalin going through the system, then being released and you're back to your normal self.
And THAT is exactly why I started getting teary-eyed at thinking about calling our staff clinician Dr. Michael! Because I'm coming down off the adrenalin rush, realizing what it now actually means, and now I really have to do some research and logically find out what the psychological & physical reactions will be manifested in me, just like any sort of traumatic event.
- An interjection-Bub has been REALLY supportive of me these past few days, he's always been supportive, but he's been letting me be, letting me take my time to do what I feel I need to do, he's just amazing. Really amazing.
Shit, I just realized that there's a really good chance I'll have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from this!!!
I wonder if there's a support group for People Who Have Left Goodwill?
More to come, I'm going to get presentable and go to Denny's with Bub.
Stay 'tooned.
L
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