POST NUMBER WHATEVER on June 28 2014. A LOT has happened since my position was eliminated from Goodwill of Orange County about 5 weeks aqo. The topics today are feelings and fear.

This will kinda be a random mish-mash of thoughts and feelings and realizations for the past 10 days or so.

FEELINGS AND OBSERVATIONS:  

• I feel like I can't ever go into a Goodwill store, or won't, for a long time.
• I feel grateful that I have a lot of my ex-coworkers' personal emails and personal phone numbers, just to keep in touch. BUT I NOTICED when I called a coworker the other day, we chatted, then he had to get off the phone  after 10 minutes because he was concerned that someone would hear him talking to me.
• I feel like I can't look at any Goodwill Facebook stuff without thinking of being there or thinking of my friendly coworker Joe. I also can't get my mind into the 'Find The Good' in the Goodwill marketing, not just because he created it, but because it was true. WAS true. I've tried to find the good. It's not there anymore. It's not Goodwill anymore, it's GoodGrief. (ala Charlie Brown)
• I do NOT feel that the current organization is the 'we' or 'my' Goodwill that I felt before; I feel it's taken on a totally different personality, like when a person has a brain disease and changes from a loving, benevolent, empathic, sensitive and kind person to a malicious, vindictive, bullying and unfair entity. 
• I feel there was (and still is) no 'open door policy' anymore (except MAYBE in one or two departments): either the manager doesn't want to listen and shoos you out, or they're too busy. Time was we could walk into any manager's or Senior Leadership office and be listened to, even intra-departmental. Now, absolutely NOT. The thought is that if you're seeing this manager/senior leadership person, you're not going thru channels and are now considered a 'loose cannon'. The thought is that if you just go down to chat, you're not doing your job and so are expendable.
• I feel as my hubs does, that we'll find somewhere else to donate our items, since the Human Services Division's Reduction in Force (which laid off my coworkers including myself in that particular Division) means possibly that the thrift store monies won't be going to programs, if they're eliminating the people who RUN the programs behind the scenes. 
• I feel that for mgmt to go over budget for 2 years in a row and to make the Human Services/Education, Training and Employment Division cut back so terribly much, well, it speaks of bad internal management. Our Division had a budget: a budget of income, expenses, etc that everyone agreed on. All of a sudden in May, 5 people BOOM were let go from my department. So if the budget was so good and approved in December 2013, and we had to keep to it, what specifically did the Division spend to necessitate the laying off of my department's employees? The savings ended up to be I figure approximately $11,000 per month, or $75,000 total for the 7 months left to the year. Who was tracking fiscally and decided that these people had to go IMMEDIATELY? Others in the Division had been let go/quit since December 2013 and that added up to a nice chunk of change TOO, I figure to the tune of $24,000 per month or $165,000 for the 7 months until the end of the year. These employees were in different departments within the Human Services Division and had left at different times from December 2013 until May, so there were additional expense savings during the first 5 months of 2014 because those positions were never replaced. Hmmm, I figure that total of savings for the next 7 months is appx $240,000, JUST for those 7 months and not the whole year. WHAT did the Human Services Division DO to warrant this housecleaning? Did the Board of Directors and whoever, if anyone, is supposed to keep track of expenditures and overages, do so? I fear not. I feel that Goodwill of Orange County is VERY selective whose departments' expenditures they track. If the Board implemented some sort of internal thing, it's too little, too late. 
• FEAR is running the organization. Fear of talking even confidentially. During a text, an ex-coworker told me that 'Everyone has been quite shush about what is happening nowadays". When I texted another ex-coworker that my old department area probably seemed like a morgue, they wrote, "I don't even know cause i haven't really been there and i am not allowed there anymore! " When I asked them who decided, they texted, "it was my manager's decision. it's not a secret but only a few people know and i wana keep it that way. I don't want to make a big deal or anyhing... it's supposedly because of <one reason>. But the few people that know don't like it at all. Its actually been going on for a long time. Almost since they started being my boss, but my boss keeps going back and forth on their decision and its annoying! They say that they don't want me to be isolated from the department but doesn't want me to go to my old department area. My manager is a very nice person but I am a person that needs consistency from my boss." My ex-coworker's last text comment on this subject was, "I swear there gona end up fireing everyone and left with no one to do the job." 
• ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF FEAR: when a VP person was let go, he attempted to send an email to certain people to say goodbye and keep in touch. His email address had his name. WITHIN 10 MINUTES, all those emails disappeared within the Global Network of the employees he emailed, even the 'sent' emails that people sent in reply to his farewell email disappeared. Does this strike you as paranoia? 
• I feel senior management is selective in treating their employees to the point of, as they say in prison, 'mad-dogging'. Mad dogging is a term usually used for a type of harassment, but 'harass' is too strong a word. But you'll get the idea regarding how when senior management roams the halls away from their plush comfy caves, the FEELING seems the same. 'Mad-dogging' is a term used in the prison and corrections community, when corrections staff harass inmates to the point of creating non-existent write ups and punishments, plus now having the hopeless feeling of never being listened to, EVER. No more open door policy, you'll just get targeted. As an example, I quote from a website with the definition of 'mad-dogging', "another interesting observation about prison corrections officers is that every institution appears to have one person who was thought of as the "mad dog lieutenant". With a rank of lieutenant, this individual was a member of management, and someone who could act for the warden in the warden’s absence. The mad dog cop would act in seemingly irrational ways and appeared to enjoy harassing inmates with aggressive interrogations followed by a trip to the hole." There is Mad Dog Lieutenant 'MDL'-type person at Goodwill. Harass, however, is too strong of a word, although it could fit for the fear people there have about being seen on camera talking to others. I think that this person is 'rattling the cage', calling employees into the office on the pretext of gathering information, but without the employee's manager knowing about it, and deliberately lying when the employee asks if they're in trouble and answering 'no'. Frankly, if the employee wasn't in trouble, there'd be no reason for this person to be involved, it'd be handled by the manager. This I experienced twice within one week. Up until then I thought I had had a good relationship with them, even assisting with some of the administrative projects that were time-sensitive. After that, however, my dealings with them were in the form of 'gentle grilling' with the undertone of  'If you don't do this, you'll be in bad shape'. Hey, I ended up in bad shape ANYWAY, but by doing as they said, I kept my job for another few months.
• I know that in June 2013 for a Goodwill golf tournament, the press release from Marketing said that proceeds would go to programs for Goodwill, then all of a sudden one week prior to that, it was announced by SENIOR management that the proceeds would go to Enduring Independence aka our Veteran's program. The event I heard netted appx $10,000-$15,000. Where'd that money go?

Here are a few telltale signs of organizational fear:

1. DISTRUST REIGNS: Would this be your knife in my back? When employees have to stop and ask themselves, "Is it safe to tell Marybeth my idea?" you have a fear problem in your organization. 
2. Numbers rule. Sensible performance goals help people understand what's important. An obsession with metrics, daily, weekly, and hourly, and a world view that says an employee is the sum of his numeric goals, are signs of a fear-based culture. 
3. And rules are in the thousands. Maybe the most stereotypical yet valid sign of a fear-based workplace is an overdependence on policies in place of smart hiring and common sense. These organizations fear their own employees' instinctive reactions to everyday circumstances (the need to book a business trip, order a stapler, or schedule a vacation day), so they install lengthy, tedious policies to keep employees from thinking independently. A need to tout the trust and openness in the organization constantly can be another red flag. As someone said, "The more an employer drones on and on in the handbook and other employee materials about trust, the less trusting they are." The policies and procedures are changed constantly, and employees are responsible for them even though there's no notification that there's a new policy. Management's mantra is, "You're responsible for it whether or not you know about it". There is NO excuse for 'not knowing'. 
4. Management considers lateral communication suspect. Evidently sharing ideas and communications in organizations that don't allow employees to communicate openly with one another are places where fear has made inroads.
5. Information is hoarded. Closely related to the question "Can employees in my company chat freely?" is the question "How do people find out how things work around here?" If the sole answer is, "Ask your manager," or people are afraid to be seen talking to you for fear they're giving you some answers that they don't know if they're allowed or not, you've got some creepy-crawly fear bugs on your hands. Cultures that allow people to hoard what they know are cultures where fear has smashed trust under its heel. Likewise, if employees learn about a company layoff through the grapevine or in the newspaper vs. a frank sitdown with their managers and their teams, something is rotten in Denmark, and fear is a silent partner in your management roster.
6. Management leads by fear. When senior leaders make virtually all decisions in secret, dole out information in unhelpful drips, and the PA system all but blares "Be glad to have a job, stop whining, and get back to work," your company's fear problem is off the charts. When leadership is based on keeping people in the dark and keeping them off-balance, no one benefits except the tier of managers near the top who justify their existence by devising ways to solidify their stature.  

POST NINETEEN on Monday, June 16 2014-Thoughts on losing my position at Goodwill. TOPIC-The Job Hunt prep.

I created my own logo. I don't know if anyone will notice that the words can spell an acronym, SRAM aka Static Random Access Memory.

Small definition of RAM/SRAM:
RAM (pronounced ramm) is an acronym for random access memory, a type of computer memory that can be accessed randomly; that is, any byte of memory can be accessed without touching the preceding bytes. RAM is the most common type of memory found in computers and other devices, such as printers.
There are two different types of RAM:

• DRAM (Dynamic Random Access Memory)
• SRAM (Static Random Access Memory).

The two types of RAM differ in the technology they use to hold data, with DRAM being the more common type. In terms of speed, SRAM is faster. DRAM needs to be refreshed thousands of times per second while SRAM does not need to be refreshed, which is what makes it faster than DRAM.

Here's my logo for business cards et al:

SRAM-Service, Resourceful, Ability, Microsoft Office

POST 18 on June 15 2014 - Thoughts upon leaving Goodwill. TOPIC: I took a 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go' test PLUS motivational thoughts.

I took this test, and even though I had been laid off, it made me think. Here's my email to the creator of the test, Scott Dinsmore at Liveyourlegend.net. The link for the test is at the bottom of this post.

"OK, my thoughts about your test. Sorry, long-winded as usual for me.

Even though my work laid me off about 3 weeks ago, I took the test. I had interesting thoughts, VERY interesting thoughts!!!

1. Overall, it determined if I was ready to go or not.

2. The test brought up some questions of my OWN! It...Made...Me...THINK!!!

     a. I compared the way I HAD felt about my company the last 2 years (2012 to the present) with how I felt prior to those last two years (2004 to 2011).

     b. The test questions made me think about what I WANTED in employment, vs. a paycheck.

     c. I listed the questions then put in comments of my own. Example: for questions #5, 10, 14, 17, 21 and 24,  I put in a comment that 'I'd like to get this question/answer into my resume or an interview, or at least get the concept clear somehow vs that old cliché, ‘use my talents and skills to the benefit of self and company’.'  Word document is attached.

     d. IMO, Questions 22 and 25 are the most important, because one has to define those within oneself before they can be applied to any potential employment!

 # 9 comes close because I need to DEFINE my personal values before I can apply them to a job!!!

A little background: Prior to 3 1/2 weeks ago,  for 10 years I worked at a local non-profit organization. We provided education, training and employment services to the disabled and disadvantaged. MY Division, was the embodiment of this. We used to be the reason our organization existed and it was OUR Division that embraced and gave REASON for the MISSION.

The company has changed. Management's version of the Mission and the organization's vision has changed in the last 2 years, and changed to the tune of doing 34 layoffs, terminations, RIF's, whatever, since December of 2013, half of them within my Division, including me.

So, with the comparison to the two time frames in mind, the percentage was 51% that I'd say yes it was time to go, but at least to go on very good terms. And I did.

As Clarence Oddbody said in the 1946 movie, "It's A Wonderful Life", "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

After 10 years, I left a hole.

I'm planning to be THAT GOOD at my next position, to do the exact thing for any company I'd leave: to leave a legacy of a 'hole'.

You have provided a HUGE step for me, in that direction.

Well done, Scott: WELL done!!"

The test referred to is at http://shouldiquittest.com/

Even if you love (for the most part) what you do, take the test anyway; it will line you up to analyze your own purpose at whatever organization you're at and in your life.

It's Never Too Late To...

POST SEVENTEEN on Thursday, June 12 2014. Deduction percentages regarding 'dismissal compensation'. Continuing with position eliminated at Goodwill of OC

Inner circadian getting better. A little.

Found out my dismissal compensation at my prior workplace was ready, decided to be-bop down there with Barry then take him for some dinner.

The net was appx 1/3 less than the gross amount. The percentages break down -

GROSS +100.00%

FIT	-12.63%
SSI	-6.20%
MEDI	-1.45%
SIT	-4.47%
SDI	-1.00%
403 (B)	-3.00%
OTHER	-2.82%

MY NET   -64.43%

Notice that this total of all the deductions and my net now appx total the gross distribution of 100%.

Amazing that almost 1/3 of the gross goes for all this stuff! And I TOTALLY forgot that the retirement stuff still came out. I gotta do something about that.

NORMALLY, a company has two ways to go to figure out the Fed and State tax withholding. Some background:

If you read the tax code, you will notice that the Internal Revenue Service goes to great lengths to categorize different types of income and treat them differently. Bonuses are another example of this. In the eyes of the IRS, bonuses are typically categorized as “supplemental wages.” As a University of Minnesota summary explains:

“The IRS defines supplemental wages as compensation paid in addition to the employee’s regular wages that includes, but is not limited to, severance or dismissal pay, vacation pay, back pay, bonuses, moving expenses, overtime, taxable fringe benefits, and commissions.”

As such, bonuses (like other supplemental wages) are treated differently than ordinary wage or salary income. There are two ways of taxing bonuses: the percentage method and the aggregate method. 

1. THE PERCENTAGE METHOD:

The IRS specifies a flat “supplemental rate” of 25%, meaning that any supplemental wages (including bonuses) should be taxed in that amount. If you receive a $5,000 bonus, under this rule, $1,250 (25% of $5,000) goes straight to the IRS. Using this approach, the amount of your bonus – whatever it is – is “singled out” from the rest of your income and taxed directly. Employers frequently choose the percentage method because it’s easy and mindless to tax the entire bonus at a uniform rate.

2. THE AGGREGATE METHOD

Unlike the much simpler percentage method, the aggregate method is when your employer adds the amount of your bonus (say, $5,000) to your most recent regular paycheck. Then, they determine the normal withholding amount based on IRS withholding tables for the sum of both amounts, subtract what was already withheld from your last paycheck, and withhold the rest from the bonus amount.

Calculating the tax on the severance pay

For my severance, Goodwill used the aggregate method, which was using my tax withholding rate that was in their system vs the flat out 25%. Which was a GOOD thing. 

BUT DON'T FORGET...THAT'S ONLY FEDERAL!!! 

California COULD'VE withheld 6.6%, but again, Goodwill used the 'aggregate' method utilizing my on board withholding from my most current W-4 and only took out 4.47%.

MORE TO COME...

POST 16 on Wednesday June 11, 2014 Thoughts on the 'restructuring' of my ex-Division and leaving Goodwill

Again, circadian all messed up.

Either I can't sleep at night and sleep until the early afternoon, or I can't sleep at night and am up at the crack of dawn and then all day.

I can't win. 

Did a resume online, checked with some folks about references, thank you, guys!!! Almost everyone said yes and the ones that didn't say yes, haven't answered me.

Dropped off some paperwork at work former workplace, took Bub to the deli, stopped someplace, ok day.

NOW

About my ex-work:

What a restructuring nightmare. 

Since December 2013 until now, AT LEAST 34 people have left/were fired/let go from GOC from all programs and Divisions. ETES and Human Services hit the most with 16 (and still counting...I bet...)

The corporate atmosphere is so thick with fear and paranoia that it's like the exhaust of a Hog* that has a blown gasket and you're riding behind it.

This atmosphere, this corporate culture change is unprecedented in the history of GOC. Come to think of it, what IS the corporate culture now at the 'new, improved!' Goodwill?

Is anyone going to do a 'culture transformation', or has anyone figured it out yet?

The 'transparency' that was touted last year and the year before, isn't. 

5 year Strategic plan? Who dat? What, is it strategic to change the 5 year strategic plan every year?

The more I talk to my coworkers and hear about how they're trying to at least exist in their positions at Goodwill, I have come to the self-assured and self-confident yet sad conclusion that I am glad I was basically the first in my department to be let go. I would be a nervous wreck, me there at the office when others were shown the door. At least I quietly went to say goodbye to a few people on the 2nd floor, before the camera Police saw me walking the halls as an official 'visitor'. 

People are apprehensive and fearful when they're confronted with unknowns. People in the trenches at Goodwill are confronted with unknowns so often now, and when there's no official word coming down from ANYONE regarding why so and so left, people freak and will go anywhere for information, correct or not. Managers aren't saying squat for fear that THEY'LL get in trouble for letting any sort of information out except the worn platitude of, "Oh, their position was eliminated". THAT'S not information, that's CorporateSpeak for "We needed to get rid of them, but gently darling, gently". Everyone knows this. But how do THOSE words equate to any sort of definition for 'information'? How does that make anyone sanguine about their work, when any sort of information given, ISN'T? It's informational cotton candy. It feels like something's in your mouth, you're satisfied for a few seconds to have something in your mouth, but it disappears really quickly. Couple that with a fear of being seen talking to one another and moving to another room where they won't be seen on camera, and you have some serious anxiety. 

Fear of talking, fear of it being KNOWN that others talk to them, & just fear of the unknown, fear of all of a sudden someone will tap them on the shoulder in the morning when they come in, before they even log onto their computer (because they CAN'T), and be told that their position is eliminated, RIF, etc. It's not apprehension anymore, it's not paranoia, it's FEAR.

I talked to a couple of people in the past few days and they're just keeping their head down really low and hoping to not be noticed or piss someone off. I'm getting the feeling that everyone feels like bears at a shooting gallery and the rifles are ready to fire!

When there are so MANY employees within a 5-month period disappearing without any notice and it seems like they've magically disappeared and dropped into a black hole, others turn around and say, "Hey, where'd so-and-so go?", no one knows or is talkin', & that can make those who are left feel pretty doggone mistrustful & suspicious, or I'm Schmucky the Clown.

It can make one wonder if one will be the next victim of the Hatchet Police (in the initial guise of one's manager. At that particular nanosecond, their body has been taken over by corporate evil spirits) before one even gets to log into their computer. 

It's just not GOODWILL anymore, it's something else. I dunno, maybe it's turned into some sort of corporate 'Axis of Evil' complete with with flying monkeys, and not only has the Wicked Witch of the West come back from being the main attraction in a puddle, but her sister has come back from being flattened like a pancake, and they've EACH gotten a sex-change. 

The extension list is changing so rapidly, and people are being deleted off of it so quickly and without notice, it's like a corporate/dart/dartboard evil version of Russian Roulette. Without, of course, the actual blood.  

I wonder if there IS some sort of methodology involved for this restructuring bullshit, perhaps involving a dart, a dartboard, and the extension list taped on the dartboard. 

Maybe there's an out of work toastmaster who throws the dart, notes the name, points to employee and says, "NEXT". 

At the HR bldg, the automatic doors should be replaced with revolving doors. Correction: that's the way it's ALWAYS been.

OR, could this whole thing be (say is softly) political in nature? Like the Fed DOL 14(c) Special Minimum Wage permits, due to the media coverage of all the disabled people making less than minimum wage?

I will say that it'll be a wage expense increase to those depts who have clients as of July 1st when the new CA minimum wage goes into effect, and time studies will have to be redone and clients paid more, even thought the DOR and RCOC funding stays the same.

I am glad I was the first in my department to be let go. It wouldn't be good, with me there in the office when others were shown the door. At least was able to quietly say goodbye to a few people on the 2nd floor, before Asset Protection and the camera Police saw me walking the halls as an official 'visitor'. They called HR to tell them I wasn't actively packing stuff, I was saying goodbye to some people. (HR called my boss and asked him how much longer it'd take me to get packed up.) Sad that you can't even say goodbye to a few people to at least let them know you'll no longer be there. 

Some numbers:

Since December 2013 until now, I count 33-34 employees leaving due to quitting/being fired/let go/laid off/position eliminated/RIF etc.

16 people gone from Human Services alone.

       Data Processing/ETES   7 (that was MY dept)

       E-Works N & S     4

       Volunteer To Work   1

       Veteran's Services/Project Independence   4

5 from Marketing/Communications

3 from HR 

3 from Asset Protection (but one was a temp)

3 from Finance

2 from Transportation

Nothing can poison employees' morale faster than watching their former colleagues be shown the door abruptly and disrespectfully.

Keep in mind that terminated workers are recent employees, not second-class citizens. 

I STILL have the Mission and GOC in my heart, but it's the old GOC, not the new GOC.

More to come...

POST FIFTEEN on MONDAY JUNE 9 2014 Thoughts upon leaving Goodwill and what I'm doing/going to do now.

COLLEGE ASSESSMENT TEST THIS MORNING. 0900 hours, 'twere best done quickly.

I ate breakfast.
Took a shower.
Bub dropped me off at 8:35 am & went to the Fullerton train station to 'foam'*. (Explanation below)
Got into line, filled out paperwork, they LOCKED UP my phone!
Started test.

• Writing Placement Test-score 98 (DUH! But WHICH question did I MISS???)
• Pre-Algebra Test-79 (I was surprised it was THAT high!)
• Algebra Test-23 (I was surprised it was THAT high! What the computer does is that if you seem to score well in the pre-algebra part, the computer program will switch over to algebra. If you gonzo that, it'll switch back to pre-algebra)
• Reading Placement Test-91   (I was so worn out with the Math test that I really didn't care too much when it came to the reading part-I just wanted to get OUT of there!)

Re: Writing Skills Test- I can qualify for the Honors Program or the Transfer Achievement Program (TAP).
DUH.
Re: Math, specifically Pre-Algebra and Algebra-HIGHLY recommended that I take Pre-Algebra MATH 015, which, out of 33 courses, is the 5th course up from the bottom of the math food chain. At least it's not at the bottom.
One of the questions was interesting; it involved how many kBs per second it takes to download within how many seconds, then figuring out how many minutes it would take to download a size xxx mB file.
I thought of what I files I had that were that big, and guessed at how many minutes it'd take based on what I'd do while that file was downloading, i.e. heat up some food, take a shower, start the wash, etc.
I guessed right, after I did a 'check of proof'.

Now I get to harass some poor counselor to direct me to a course of studies, based on the fact that I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up! And I still want to see if they're still using administrative monks.
Bummer I gotta walk in and wait in line to see a counselor. Maybe I can bribe one with some Wahoo fish tacos or OSF, and we do my SEPP thingy there?
I just realized that the SEPP (Student Educational Planning Program) is not unlike an IEP for a child in school. The basic idea is the same, just fewer steps in the SEPP. I think. I wish I could get my hands on one, so I know what to do!

I was going to meander over to a couple more buildings to check out stuff, but I was so tired mentally and physically that Bub picked me up and we came home.
Of course I went WRITE to the computer!!!

Now to fill out paperwork...
Make a list...
Start doing the list...
Scroaned (that's it between a scream and a groan)

There's just TOO MUCH to handle. I've had a headache for 1 1/2 days now, including at night.
I know I've handled more, but that was when I was at work and the energy and the people around me were electric. I feel right now I'm using a camp gas lantern with the mantles.

I definitely need some counseling to figure out what I want to have a major in; I mean, they DON'T have majors for, say ADHD/BiPolar Studies, with a minor in Computer Information Systems.

NOT Human Services. I was exposed to it, did well in it, but not enough to make it a major.

So I'm buckling down, going to CalJOBS, going online to check out scholarships, checking to see what I need for a vocational certificate/Associate's degree or whatever.
I DID figure out that from 3 colleges, through the years I have appx a total of 63 credits, 38 of them transferable or that count towards an Associate's degree, and a P.O.S.T. certificate (Peace Officer's Standard Training).
Since I have  LOT of the classes in the requirements for these majors, I think I'll try for

• Computer Information Systems Associates or vocational cert;
• Business and Technical Skills vocational cert;
• Computer Software Applications Specialist vocational cert;
• Business Administration Associates degree, or the
• PC Applications vocational cert.

It'll take a while to do, like only 1-2 classes per semester and at that, doing online, hybrid, weekend and/or nighttime classes.

* verb = to foam:

1. A railfan, rail buff or train buff, railway enthusiast or railway buff, or trainspotter or gricer, is a person interested in a recreational capacity in rail transport. Railfans of many ages can be found worldwide.
   Definition of a 'foamer' (wikipedia)

POSTS 14 and 14 1/2 on Sunday June 8, 2014 AND Monday June 9 2014 re: Thoughts after my position at Goodwill was eliminated

My inner circadian has now turned 180 degrees.

I couldn't sleep last night because I thought I'd miss a call from my son at 7:30 am this morning, and part of me was hoping he wouldn't call. He called.

After he called, I was able to drift off...until about 4:30 pm this afternoon.

I knew that it was easier to sleep than deal with issues in life, but I didn't realize how much my being employed figured into that.

It was easier to go to work and let the personal life stuff go to the side for 8+ hours than it was to actually have the time to deal with it, think about it, let the emotions come closer and closer. Like now.

When I was working, I was wholly on and into my job unless one of the kids or Barry asked me to look up something; that was research and I was able to tackle it surreptitiously between tasks or when everyone was at lunch. I got QUITE adept at hiding that research tab on the monitor! Thank you, Windows 7 !

Anyway, I wouldn't have to think of 'life' things unless I absolutely had to, when those issues would rear up and MAKE ME think of or deal with, them.

Think about it - 9+ hours at work (I'm including lunchtime), 1 1/2 - 2 hours combined travel time, 2 hours combined at home either getting ready or cooling off, meals, hey, I didn't have TIME to think of anything pressuring me!!

I've realized that my energy level has sunk, or that I've allowed my energy level to sink down so far that I'm trying to find reasons to NOT do the assessment at Fullerton College tomorrow morning. Between finding a parking place where I WON'T get a ticket for that length of time, walking in from the parking lot, trying to find the place where I'm supposed to go, finding the stuff I'm supposed to bring...it seems like it'd be easier for the transcripts from LBCC to catch up with my admission to Fullerton College and shine on the assessment. ('Shine on' is a term we used when I was growing up, meaning to 'blow off' or 'fagedabadit'.) I'd still have to go and find where DSS is, the counseling office, financial aid, etc. though. Usually I'd jump in with all feet, find everything, map the WHOLE COLLEGE out and create "27 8×10 color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one...".*
*Alice's Restaurant-wikipedia

Is it depression? Is it? YOU tell ME! I think I already know the answer.
Lots of times people, including me, tend to take the path of least resistance.
Easier to sleep than deal with stuff.
Easier to eat than deal with stuff.
Easier to do ANYTHING else than deal with stuff.

Just got a reminder call from Fullerton College re: the assessment tomorrow & while I was listening to it, I had a great idea! Barry can drop me off, I can find the assessment building, he can go down to the train station and have some coffee, see the trains until I give him a buzz. I don't have to find parking NOW at this particular time!!!

See, this is how I am...if a problem is far enough away from me, if it's not too personally close, I can go into my 'troubleshooting' mode. And did.
Besides, I want to see if they still have administrative monks like when I was at Long Beach City College.

I'm starting to look up all the information I need to go to the assessment tomorrow...'scuse me, TODAY, since I've been up from 1:00 AM until now, 4:18 am Monday morning June 9 2014. Making and printing out maps for me, for Bub's parking, finding some broken links on webpages for counseling, etc. I can't believe I found 2 broken links and some wording on a 'contact us' webpage that is inconsistent with what you have to do to submit your issue! Of COURSE I sent info regarding these issues. Surprising to me that they don't list a specific 'contact Webmaster' link at the bottom of their webpages.

I read an article in the Fullerton College Hornet newspaper regarding how some feel that commencement is perhaps a waste of time...
The comment I wrote is,

Commencement to me is celebrating a milestone, especially if one is not sure one is going (or will have/take the time to go) scholastically onward. Me, I'd like to compare what I looked like in a mortarboard in high school with what I'd look like now, getting the latest scholastic degree/milestone...
After 50 years or so, it'd be interesting to see the differences, n'est-ce pas?!

Continuing on in school for the next degree? Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps that's I feel why the formal commencement event is valuable, to spur one on to the next level. 

One other thing-don't forget about the potential graduation presents & party!!!

Hey, if people think I'm a blowhard that uses too many big words, fuck 'em.
I'm my own person and as long as it doesn't hurt anyone except maybe myself, again, fuck 'em.
Those are the two wee small words by which I've usually tried to live my life and which are usually recited as an internal subvocal mantra when confronted with the trials and tribulations of others who bug me; or just plain ol' OTHERS who bug me.

As almost EVERYONE who knows me knows, the verbal mantra (again, two wee small words) I usually and most often use in those cases is, "BITE ME'.

POST THIRTEEN It's Friday 6-6-2014 at the 2 week mark of losing my position from Goodwill OC

Been going through the CalJOBS online job listings (ok, online CLASSIFIEDS) and getting dispirited and discouraged. For instance, here's a job description:

"Administrative Assistant, you will work alongside department leaders.This opportunity is ideal for any proactive team player whose confidence, resourcefulness and attention to detail will enable them to thrive in the many facets of this role. "

My confidence is shaken, I don't know if other employers would LIKE my brand of resourcefulness, and attention to detail can mean that they'd want me to pay attention to some details that I'd maybe miss. Since I do taxes I have an UBER attention to detail and can pick up on what others overlook. Also since I did taxes and did QA and QC for a tax firm, I can look ahead 'past the horizon' and figure out what would go down if this was done or that was done. I don't have the clothes, I'm FAT, I just don't give the corporate 'look' and I'm too casual with my mouth. I WRITE really corporately (my word for it) but my mouth isn't. I was too long in a place where they put up with my little idiosyncrasies because I really was an overall asset to the org, like one of those 20-in-1 tools.

I dunno, I think the whole thing is now starting to get to me; being let go, self-esteem spiraling downward, tired of all this paperwork and these calls and trying to do my resume and answers for jobs to match what they job description is...

It's been so long since I went looking for a job, everything is now online, I just feel like crawling back into bed or something. A LOT.

Huh, here I am feeling sorry for myself, and wonder how quiet it is in the office up on the 2nd floor and how much work is being piled on them? I miss it. I felt like part of a team, not only within my department but with the whole org. Now, I'm not only NOT part of the team but the big team didn't WANT me to be on their smaller team! Shades of elementary school i.e. last one picked for team activities.

A writer for AOL jobs, Bill Hartnett writes in a December 2013 article to not take it personally.

I left in a good way from the org, I understood 'position eliminated', but that's usually when they want to get rid of someone. Got news, I have some underlying information and it WAS personal. TOTALLY. So it came down through the ranks to get rid of this 'Lynne'.

Looking back on it, I don't think I'd feel very good if I was still there and 4-7 people of my Division had to leave/left and I was there after they'd gone. I'd probably be a nervous wreck, wondering when the ax came for me. I'd be willing to make book on THAT.

According to the skills search on CalJOBS, I have 370 hard and soft skills.  With someone with all these skills...I wonder if I'm missed at the org?

If the EDD wants you to start looking for jobs NOW, how can you intelligently look for a job when you're unprepared with a resume and and idea of the skills you think the potential employer needs? I mean I finally finished the skills search, but now translate that into a resume online? That's going to take some work, and again, I don't want to apply for something I think I'll get without a prepared document!

UPDATE to the Goodwill 'restructuring':So actually 6 of us were 'let go', given the boot, etc. from GOC between 5-23-14 and 5-28-14: 4 of us from Data Processing, 1 from Asset Protection and 1 VP.

Another person in Data Processing has another job and will be leaving next week. He, I guess, was going to be 'phased out' anyway. So instead of 6 people in the Data processing work area, there are only 3, the count is including the supervisor, but not the manager  (he's in what used to be my and his office-now it's just his office).

6-7-14 More news-another person in the Human Services Division was let go-a job developer. 2 more people left the Division.

Here's a worm's-eye view of the org and the Human Services Division:

• Human Services-VP
• Community Based Services-1 Director
• Supported Employment
• Job Placement, Funded
• Human Services grant programs-1 Director
• Veteran's Services
• Beyond Jobs (Women's jobs)
• Volunteer To Work    2 persons left on their own 6-6-2014
• Employment WORKS! North and South County
• Job Placement, Non-Funded   1 person let go 6-6-2014 
• ETES-1 Senior Manager (who was MY boss)
• Intake and Admissions
• Data Processing/Information Systems 4 persons let go 5-23 to 5-27-14. One was me, one person was older, one person I felt really sorry for because FREAKIN' COBRA is appx $900-$1100 and she could barely afford her apt and car, and one person had JUST come back from her honeymoon and was let go the day she got back! Finally, 1 person would've been let go except he found another job but he was going to leave anyway, last day 6-13-14
• Deaf Services/Deaf Interpreting
• Client Services
• COO
• Asset Protection  1 person let go 6-4-2014
• Marketing and Communications-VP let go 5-23-2014

POST 12 Written on Wednesday 6-4-2014 Thoughts on my position at Goodwill being eliminated and the COBRA-go-round ride. Plus some other off the wall observations.

Barry came to me yesterday after he went to the doctor and told me that I should've gone with him since my insurance was no longer in force. I told him I was GLAD I didn't go because I would've made a stink! His other insurance was good though so that covered his doctor.

We got a call from the prescrip people; again, my insurance was cancelled as of 5-31-2014 so I had to call Bub's insurance, make sure I was listed as having his insurance as my primary, and then called back the prescrip people and told them. I mean, $600 for ONE medication...I almost had to go to a cardiologist!!!

I gotta do the online COBRA election and set up the one part of my insurance that Bub doesn't have. Damn, another expense.
OK, went online, can't do the online thing since we only want ONE of the medical offerings so I have to do the hard copy and send a check.
Oh,  well. These things happen.

SO, I

• Called prescrip people
• Called Bub's insurance people, set up me as having his insurance PRIMARY now. Will take appx 72 hours to 'kick in' with all other medical providers
• Called BACK prescrip people
• Called PCP office
• READ all the COBRA info: went onto website http://www.benedirect.adp.com : found out that since I'm NOT electing to continue or not continue ALL coverage, I have to send in the form.
• Filled out COBRA form. BTW,
• Anthem Blue Cross Premier for Beneficiary + 1 is $1224.01:
• Their Blue View Vision for Beneficiary + 1 is $12.87
• The CIGNA Dental PPO Plan is Beneficiary + 1 is $130.90
• I recommend (if you can get it now or whenever) ObamaCare
• Went to CalJOBS website, signed in, looked for today's postings
• Signed up for Monster.com
• Signed up for Careerbuilder.com
• Set up account with GFCLearnfree.com for online learning

6-4-2014 

Another update re: insurance.
Trying to maneuver around Barry's insurance is frustrating because there are some things that aren't covered medication-wise that WERE covered under my own plan when I had it. So call the online med people, call the doctor, call the regular pharmacy down the street etc while at the same time looking through jobs.

From the "I TOLD You So, Honey!" Department:

We went tonight to get a box spring and mattress set from Sam's club and we took the truck. Before we got into the truck, I asked Barry if we should bring tie downs. He said no. I asked again, should we bring tie downs just in CASE? Again, he said no. THIRD TIME-I TOLD him that we should bring tie downs and that I was going to get them. He got out of the truck, kinda slammed the door, went into the garage and brought out the pack of 4 neat ratchet strap tie downs I bought at Sam's club appx 8 months ago. So,
We go.
We get the mattress and box spring.
We put them into the back of the truck.
Mattress and box spring width are slightly over one truck bed side edge.
Mattress and box spring length are slightly over the back so the tailgate wouldn't be able to be put up.
Hmmm, mattress definitely would slide. WHOA!!! WAIT!!! Guess what? We had the 2" galvanized wire hook ratchet strap tie downs!!!

Cinch those puppies to the bed of the truck, DONE!!!

OBSERVATION WHILE COMING HOME WIT DA GOODS:
We drove by Claimjumper and I remarked that I had a hankerin' for dose foods. Barry said, do you want to go after we drop off the mattress set? I said, naw, we ate at the La Habra Sam's club earlier, all we'd do is order food and have REALLY EXPENSIVE lunch leftovers the next day. Isn't that true???!!!

OBSERVATIONS WHILE WATCHING 'YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN':
1. Marty Feldman was the 70's answer to Eddie Cantor.
2. CORRECT INFORMATION FOR A SUPPOSEDLY IN-JOKE: When Frau Blucher says, 'Blucher' or if ANYONE says 'Blucher', the horses go nuts. 'Blucher' is a cinematic technique whereby a word, a name, an event (like thunder and lightning) trigger some sort of a reaction or elicit an audience response, i.e. thunder and lightning usually signify a terror response, like the villain is coming, is there, there's a scary thing going on. In this case, the horses go nuts. 'Blucher' is NOT the German word for 'glue'!!!
       a. Cloris Leachman, Gene Wilder and Madeline Kahn are/were AWESOME in this pic!!! Peter Boyle too, and I've always liked Kenneth Mars every since the movie, 'What's Up, Doc?' with Barbra Streisand and Ryan O'Neal. SPOILER ALERT: Come to think of it, Madeline Kahn and that guy with his socks held up with sock garters, who Dr. Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) did the nerve experiment on in his class (Liam Dunn) were not only in 'Blazing Saddles' (he was the Reverend Johnson in Blazing Saddles), but they were also both in 'What's Up, Doc?' starring Barbra Streisand and Ryan O'Neal. Ms. Kahn was Ryan O'Neal's fiancee, and Liam Dunn played Judge Maxwell, who was actually Barbara Streisand's character's dad. John Hillerman was also in 'What's Up Doc' and 'Blazing Saddles'.
       b. Fave saying: 'Put, the candle, BEHCK!' TRIVIA: After the candle/bookcase part, when the see Igor, Igor says, "I heard the strangest music, and I had to come down here. Call it-a hunch. Ba-dum chi!". The 'ba-dum chi' can also be done as 'ba-dum-BUM', like a drum riff when someone tells a joke.
Again, I guess ya gotta be from the Middle Ages.
3. Fave spoken word-'Abby-normal'.
4. More trivia: the actual set for the electronic equipment in the lab was the one used for the original Frankenstein movie in 1931. It was saved in Ken Strickfaden's garage. Ken was the one who created all lab equipment for the original movie back in '31. NO, I WAS NOT ALIVE BACK THEN!!! 
IMDB Young Frankenstein trivia
5. FINAL OBSERVATION-OMG, JEEZ, THIS MOVIE WAS MADE 40 YEARS AGO!!! 1974!!!

Mel Brooks/Blazing Saddles trivia:

• Dom Deluise was married to Carol Arthur (she was Harriet Johnson in Blazing Saddles, and he was 'Buddy Bizarre' the musical director when the actor's fight came through the wall.
• Mel Brooks' wife Anne Bancroft played an extra in the church congregation when church was in, just before it was blown up.

Uh-oh! Must be around 9:30 pm, Disneyland fireworks are going off!!!

POST ELEVEN Tuesday 6-3-2014 VOTE!!

Another analogy:

1. I've seen people doing blind bungee jumps for a myriad of reasons, and some practical jokes regarding said bungee jumps, such as at bachelor parties where the groom-to-be bungee jumps blindfolded. 

I liken the CA primary as a bachelor party groom's blind bungee jump, when he thinks he's going off a bridge, but instead...

Jumps into a wading pool 9 inches deep.

OOOKKKAAAYYY!
We went to vote at our polling place late Tuesday morning.
There are only two people working there; the Inspector and another clerk.
Since I'm not working at this particular nanosecond AND I was an Inspector in  2012 for two precincts in La Habra, I called the Registrar of Voters and volunteered for my precinct.
YUP, I'm gonna be a Poll Worker late this afternoon until around 9 PM, so this blog won't be completed until 'way later tonight.
If at all.

Ok, of course I got there when the late afternoon sun was shining into the garage, making it kinda hot.
We had a total of 55 people come in, BUT in this precinct, a lot of people got the Vote By Mail envelopes and in this precinct we usually get a great turnout anyway, so I'll bet a lot of people turned in their envelopes or mailed them in. We had almost as many envelopes turned in to us as there were physical voters! I hope November is better. Or less dull.
I chatted with some of my neighbors, handed them my business cards, asked them to let me know if they knew of any jobs, and used the down time to look at some job websites. (I took my tablet in just in case it was slow, so it worked ok that way.)

Made some lists of things that would help in the next election if I work again (and if I do, I'll have to document job searching on a Saturday or Sunday to make up for it)
Some things to remember are:

• Since our polling place is on the edge of La Habra which is Orange County, we don't have to worry about people from LA County dropping off their envelopes.  BUT if there are people who work in our area and they live in LA County, they MUST go to the nearest LA County polling place to drop off their Vote By Mail envelopes!!! So I listed about 3-4 polling places in Whittier and La Mirada that were the closest to us.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot-one of my ex-coworkers called me and said I had some cards and stuff at work. I had to leave her a msg because I missed her call. Wonder what it is?

POST 10 Monday 6-2-14 Thoughts on when my position was eliminated - we're talking morale, here.

Below, I thought this pic was cool until I looked at the small bottom print. Then I thought it was even cooler, almost bordering on bitchin'. That's all. It's just COOL.

Some thoughts on the general mood and feelings around the org for about the last two years or so.

Morale at the corporate office as of the Friday morning I was let go 5-23-14 was cautious, pessimistic, bordering on some SERIOUS negative vibes, and I had heard before that lots of times people felt themselves drawing away more and more from the organization and especially its Mission. People were and are still afraid to speak openly to others and felt they couldn't speak about anything that even MIGHT be construed as negative, and so therefore a threat.

(I remember reading about this type of atmosphere during the 50's with the McCarthy 'red' Communist witch hunts, an example being when one dare not say ANYTHING bad about the stock market or American business in general or else be considered 'anti-business' which is tantamount to 'anti-American' which of course meant you were a Communist. For some reason, this seems close to the mood around the org. Those 28 persons I noticed that were let go/fired/left/forced out seem to be just like some of those entertainment industry persons who were accused of being Communists and then blacklisted.)

Unfortunately, 'kind and caring' doesn't work with corporate GOC. Either you make money, make your quota of people served and jobs found, save money by cutting your budget down, or you're GONE.

DEFINITION:

According to Alexander M. Leighton, "morale is the capacity of a group of people to pull together consistently and persistently in pursuit of a common purpose.". 

I feel the common 'take' on morale is usually looked at as a positive force in people, and so the positive energy of morale, to band together, is the epitome of a powerful force, a force both within people and physically as a group. SO, again in my opinion, it seems to me that in times of low morale, people are more protective of themselves than protective about the group, since the group isn't providing the security as before. Job security at my work? I had counted over 28 people who had left, were forced out or fired from February 2013 until March 2014, just with Main Facility staff alone. Those kind of events tend to make one think about oneself and one's position at the organization a LOT and become at the very least apprehensive. That type of thinking is sadly also counterproductive-you can't do your job well if you're thinking about all the people who have gone and thinking you might be the next, no matter HOW many people have told you that you won't go anywhere, you're too good at what you do!

(I saw this at Bally Total Fitness also in the late '90's/early at the turn of the century, which is why I had my resume out since the beginning of 2003 so I could escape from the Bally's corporate office.) 

Unfortunately, all those people who told me that I was too important, I do so much for the organization, well, I shouldn't have listened to them so much. I should've been a LOT more cautious and wary. 

Upper management talks of transparency, but only if information goes down to those who do the jobs. Information can and does a lot to reassure people, even if the news isn't so good. It's like going to the doctor: if it's bad, it's best to tell the patient so that the issue can be dealt with quickly. People appreciate honesty, no matter how bad the news, and if it's honest, there is more trust. Underlying rumors would be just rumors, if the trust is there. Interestingly, since the org is considered one of the most trusted companies in 2012, it's an antithesis that the org is considered that only from the outside, and that the inside with the rank-and-file leaves a lot to be desired. Again unfortunately, rumors and whispers were (and still are) flying around the place like trailer parks in Oklahoma during a tornado. I say whispers, because I experienced and saw a lot of people go into places that didn't have cameras (or so we hoped) and would whisper to each other so that others around us wouldn't hear. We'd also hardly at all move our lips, and would use winks. It was my understanding that that cameras weren't audio, they were just video, but hey, there was a lot I didn't know there, believe it or not. A lot of changes in security were made within the last 4 years or so of my employment, what with  employee badges with chips in them for not only timekeeping but to swipe for leaving and entering the buildings, an actual security office at the employee entrance, swiping our badges to even go up the elevator. 

We all realize that within all rumors lies SOME truth, and that's what made it scary.

Notice the definition of morale above: it could go either way, actually. Low morale is the lessened capacity of a group of people etc. High morale is the increased capacity of a group of people, etc.

I truly believe I was a positive force in maintaining a sense of morale at my work with people. If Lynne could make you feel good about yourself, if Lynne could make you laugh, you felt better about any organizational situation or actions and could take one more day without feeling pessimistic or fearful. You could always count on Lynne to lighten your day.

Now Lynne, 'Little Miss Merry-F'ing Sunshine", is gone. In an organization that serves those persons with disabilities and other barriers to employment to train for and find employment, so to eliminate the position of someone who tried to engender some sort of positive outlook within and for the company with clients, outside vendors and employees, is assisting a downward spiral of esprit de corps. 

I'm not tooting my horn, I've been told this quite a few times over the years, that I am a morale booster. Always have been, yet even I hadn't lately been immune to the negatively surrounding Goodwill.

There are some that say, "They didn't offer you another position in some other department?" Well, considering that I'd had a gut feeling that I was becoming sort of expendable last September 2013 when my prior boss the VP of Human Services was forced out, and a HUGE gut feeling this past March, I had a hunch that nothing would be available except perhaps a retail worker at a huge cut in salary, AND since there were no other openings that I would fit into, I'd say that we all knew that there were no suitable positions for me.  

My gut feeling also was in the last few days of that week, my manager had been going to a TON of meetings, and a lot of those meetings I now feel were about the 'restructuring'. I know he fought continuously for me, but when it came down to it, he was trumped by upper management.

I felt a kind of relief and that feeling was kind of surprising to me. No more looking over my shoulder at who was around, no more worrying about those people coming up to my office and being noticed on camera that they came to my office and stayed for a certain period of time, and if they'd get into trouble for talking to me. 

SOME READING HOMEWORK FOR YOU:
The 'No-Asshole Rule' Part I
The 'No-Asshole Rule' Part II

And your final test:
The Asshole Rating Self Exam (the ARSE test). "Are You A Certified Asshole?"

You can probably apply this test and put answers in that you feel a potential asshole would answer, and get a good idea if that person truly is or not.

The articles in the links above are courtesy of Robert Sutton, who has a book out:

The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't

This book available at Amazon.com

The link for the final test is from 
Even if the articles were written in 2007, hey, there's NO SHORTAGE of assholes in any workplace and his take on them is timeless.
Here's his blog link:
Bob Sutton 'Work Matters'